Been a little while croc

Im sad. I miss my husband. I miss the normalcy of him. I miss being in the other room and hearing the shower on, knowing he's in it. I miss hearing him call me by my name, or honey, which I think he considers my second name such. I miss waking up and seeing him at night, especially if something scares me. He is my best-friend. There is truely no better person than him. His kindess and love follows him like a veil. His laughter his ripe and golden and warms my soul. He is the true essence and meaning of a blessing. God is my strength though, and God loves me even more than Chris, as hard as that is to fathom, even more so, god loves me more than I love Chris. Now that is quite an image. Deployments are something that I cannot explain. Other poeple compare there husbands traveling, for atmost a few months, or that there husbands "might as well be deployed" because they are always gone, or busy with other commitments. While well meaning, they are very far off base. I am struggling with the worry, becasue that won't change anything, or keep Chris anymore safe. I need to "rewire" my thinking and when I feel the pull of worry grabbing at my heels, pray. I need to be more productive in my though patterns. I need to above all, trust God in this. As Difficult as that may be, this time in my life, I cannot do this without God, he is my source, he holds OUR lives in his hands. In a way that gives me peace, and other ways scares me, becasue there are parts of me that just flat out want things "my way". DANG THAT FREE WILL! Sometimes I wish that God would just do things for me, but that is not love to posess. I will meorize, Ephesians 6:10...it is " Be Strong in the Lord, and in his mighty power." His mighty power. I have to understand that God is good, and his way is pure. God is good. I resesit God alot, I know it. I feel him pulling me and telling me to read the bible, he jsut wants to spend time with me. I don't know why i ressist. I don't want to, but then I do. I ahve the best intentions, really, but then they fall flat. Sometimes I would rather numb myself with t.v. and not think about what is going on in my life with chris gone, or I could stop being lazy, let the rubber meet the road, and let God do a MIGHTY work in me. Really though, I will not come out of this experince with just alot of "numb" time. If I must trial, I will gain.